Prodigal

Lately I’ve been feeling very inadequate in almost every area of my life. I’m not sure why…its just there are days where I feel that I don’t have any skills or purpose. I know I’m a new mommy, even though he’s going to be 1 on the 1^st of August (still can’t believe it). I guess I just feel like I have to do something more to have purpose than just being a mom…even though, being a mom is a serious FULL TIME JOB itself. I don’t know why I feel the need to do something else to feel validated and to feel like I have a purpose.

Apparently I have a lot of feelings I need to get out there…how many more sentences am I going to start with the words “I feel”?

I guess it’s that I feel like I’m not doing enough to help this family. Ian goes off to work everyday and I’m at home with JM everyday. I guess if I had a job then I’d feel better and like I’m contributing to our family, but then….no chores would get done on time, JM would have to be watched by his Granny or go to daycare (and that would be costly), but I’d rather have him with me, but I also want to work to help out….but as you can see….if I work, then work isn’t getting done at home. If I work, then we’re spending money for JM to be taken care of and I couldn’t bear to think of leaving him the care of people I don’t know (or even if I knew them) for that amount of time everyday.

So basically…

If I work = less work gets done @ home

If I work = less time with my baby

If I work = I’ll feel even worse

So, WHY am I constantly feeling so pitiful and so worthless??

I’ve tried the whole work from home thing…that is not a strong suit of mine…I’m lazy…and it’s hard to do when you’re caring for a attention hogging baby (I don’t mind giving him all my attention, though).

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Writing this is just making me even more upset with myself…and more depressed. I feel like I’ve just let everything go.

What’s sad is that I know what would make it all better…so why don’t I do it?

I make excuses. I’m imperfect. I let other things take precedence over time with what will really help me to feel whole again.

Do you know what I’m talking about? If not, let me enlighten you.

The only thing that will make me feel purposeful, happier, filled with joy for the present moment and future times to come, is time with my Father God.

I’ve let myself stray, why? Because I’m human, I’m imperfect, and life gets busy, but even in the time that I have no excuse for, I do what most of us do and I turn the TV on or get on my iPad and watch YouTube and let myself veg out. Even when I feel that tugging on my heart, I bury it and I ignore the only one who will make me feel whole.

Why? Why? Why?

For that I have no answer, but I know this…NO MORE excuses. NO MORE wasting away watching ridiculous videos/unimportant television shows. NO MORE feeling sorry for myself.

I have a purpose. I am a wife and mommy and both my husband and son need me to have that relationship with my Father so that I can love them with my whole self and not just what my fleshly self is willing to dish out at the time.

Y’all, this is bringing me to tears. I didn’t realize just how sad I’ve been lately…I didn’t realize just how far I had strayed and I hope this helps you to come back as well.

When you feel that tug at your heart to pray…PRAY!

When you feel that tug on your heart to pull out your bible and read…DO IT!

We’ve got to stop ignoring our Father.

The time we’re living in is a scary one and even scarier when you don’t have your Father to run to.

RUN TO HIM with open arms! He will hold us! Only He can make us feel whole, secure, and purposeful in this world.

Y’all, I’m running! I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m running to my Father God and I’m not stopping!

Be like the prodigal’s son and start running back to Him! He’ll be so happy to hold you in His arms again!

“And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry, for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.” (Luke 15: 20-24 NKJV)

God Bless

-Krista (the wifey)