Becoming a Mother

Ever since we got married, even before, we talked of babies and how we couldn't wait to have one of our own. After 9 months we found out we were pregnant and we couldn't be more excited, but in all that excitement, I was also scared...really scared. All of the sudden all these questions/doubts popped into my head:

Will I be a good mother?

I'm not ready to be a mom.

What if something happens?

I can't do this. 

There were days where I cried because I felt unprepared and thought that for sure God had made a mistake (which I knew He doesn't do, but I wasn't thinking rationally). It also didn't help with the flood of hormones that over takes you to be normal in the least. I doubted myself the whole time I was pregnant and cried to God and my husband that I wasn't ready and that I was scared of messing up. 

But then I saw his little face.

Our first hug

Right then every doubt left my mind. Even after an exhausting 30+ hours, I couldn't help but smile and thank God for this little gift. He had made our little boy perfect in every way. It wasn't until later that it hit me that I'm a mom.

I'll be honest, the first few weeks home were hard. After my parents left to head back home, I cried my eyes out. I did not have confidence in myself that I could do this alone. Then, I was reminded, I'm not alone (duh). I had my hubby there with me for the rest of the week before he returned to work and once he went back I have my mother-in-law 50 ft away at her house. But, on top of all that I knew God would help me in this new phase of life, He's never failed before. 

It was still hard. I cried a lot. It took a lot out of me and it was daunting to now have this little life that depended on me for everything. It was new and it was scary, but it was now how my life would be, and I had to get use to that. 

I never realized just how selfish I was until I had this little guy. It really opened my eyes. It made me really look at myself in a different light. I couldn't just go and do whatever I wanted anymore, I had to make accommodations for him and when he needed to nurse and it made going anywhere a lot harder. But, I wouldn't change it for anything now.

I'm so thankful that God chose us to be JM's parents, he brings smiles to our faces everyday with his sweetness. There are still days when I sit and still can't believe that I'm now a mom. But, it feels like I've always been one now. Weird, right? I just can't explain just how happy I am for this little guy. Though I may lose some sleep, probably not get as much done as I use to, I get the joy of watching him grow, and that's just enough for me.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." (Psalms 37:4-5)